EU narrative

Ingeborg’s Monologue

Ingeborg’s monologue from the TV series Parlement, Episode 9

Parlament is a very entertaining TV series set in the European Parliament (we interviewed one of his creator a few days ago). Ingeborg’s monologue, played by Christiane Paul, deserves a special mention for the very concise way in which it sums up the contradictions of working for the Union we love so much, no matter what (the scene is an homage to Spike Lee’s 25th hour).

“Love the EU” huh? You know what, fuck the EU. Fuck the EU and everyone in it!

Fuck the French and their grandiose ideas about Europe. Insufferable bastards, your whole country is a gigantic clusterfuck and you’re telling us how we should run things? 

Fuck the Brits and the sense of entitlement they carry with them everywhere they go. You’re not a global power, just a tiny island with a massive drinking problem! And two years down the line, you’re the only one left in the bar who still thinks Brexit is a good idea. 

Fuck the Grand Duchy of fucking Luxembourg, tax haven without sunlight or beaches. No wonder only money wants to live there.

Fuck the Italians and their political experiments. Fascism, Bunga bunga, vanfucalo politics… Always ten years ahead of everyone on the next dumbest shit. Just stick to undercooked pasta!

Fuck the Scandinavians — “I do everything better than you” fucking goody-goodies.

Fuck the Greeks, cheating the whole continent for years, living above your means with our money, now crying like babies because we’re asking you to pay your fucking taxes? Give me a fucking break !

Fuck us Germans with our preaching tone, ruling the continent again like we just can’t help it! Patronizing motherfuckers, praising the rules while selling rigged diesel cars! Oh, and don’t get me started on the Dutch, coz they make the Germans look good!

Fuck the Eastern bloc club. Giving us the finger while we shower your mid-size towns with European cash, constantly whining because history has been soooo unfair to you and now you’re spitting on liberal democracy?! You’ve betrayed our trust! Give us back our fucking money !

And Belgium. I mean… come on, you’re not even a real country ! 

Fuck the citizens. You people don’t deserve the effort we put in to make your lives better. You know what? Maybe if the EU makes no sense to you, it’s because you’re ignorant fucks. Life’s complicated, Europe too, grow the fuck up!

Yeah, and keep on voting for the most entertaining buffoon every five years.  Look at them. Populists pissing on Europe while cashing massive EU salaries. Trashing everything everyone does from the backseat. If you don’t like it here, then GO BACK TO YOUR FUCKING COUNTRY!

Fuck the civil servants, their smug faces and their paternalistic tone. You think you know better, huh? Well, maybe you do, but you haven’t been elected by anyone, darling, so just shut the FUCK up and do as you are told!

Oh, and fuck you Ingeborg. Mingling with the rules of procedure to stick it to the populists? You’re just another disconnected eurocrat living in your ivory tower, whose main past time is telling people what to think and how to live their fucking lives! You’ve tried to outsmart everyone, shit didn’t work out. Well, that’s Parliament. 750 representatives with 750 versions of what “The People” want. Tough gig, huh?

Welcome to democracy, bitch!

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