Classification of the eurocrats
Classification of the eurocrats (click to enlarge). As every classification it is not exhaustive and exceptions exist.

The term Eurocrat (from the combination of “European” and “bureaucrat”) broadly indicates any official working for the European Union; it may have both a negative and a positive connotation, depending on who is speaking.

In the EU-Bubble, for example, becoming a eurocrat means reaching a superior state of being, comparable to what Nirvana is for Eastern religions. Such a quest might require decades of your life and often one proceeds by steps, moving through the different levels of Eurocracy.

Contract Staff

According to naturalists, people belonging to this group have one feature in common: the inability to pass the EPSO Test. At the lowest layer we find trainees (eurocrats in fieri, sometimes known as eurobrats) who spend most of their short lives (about 5 months) trying to evolve into contract agents butterflies, or CAST (homo implorans). Those who fail can still get a consolation prize, becoming intramuros or interimaire.

Temporary Agents (bastardis fortunatus) are the unicorns of the Eurocratic world, because they are very rare (some say they don’t even exist). Their contract lasts no more than 3-4 years, but, as they have permanent staff benefits, they try to enjoy life at its fullest.

Accredited Parliamentary Assistants (homo ex machina) only exist in the European Parliament ecosystem, while Seconded National Expert (homo in translatio perditus) are borrowed by national states, like in an Erasmus for adults.

Permanent Staff

Charles Darwin identified the rule of the EPSO selection as the main evolutionary mechanism that lead to the Permanent Staff (Foreveropithecus), which is divided between Administrators (homo calamum tetendissens) and Assistants (homo ARESponshabilis). Both type of contracts are without an expiration date, are linked to similar tasks, receive similar benefits but have very different salaries. Because of that, one of the species is known to live a happier life than the other.

Political Appointees

Located at the top of the food chain, the Political Appointees (a patria mandatus) are the faces behind the eurocracy, and they enjoy all the fame and glory that come with it.

EU countries Representatives (patriae fidelis), against any evolutionary logic, spend their time fighting petty wars, thus failing to cater for the well-being of their communities.

Members of the European Parliament (homo electus) are directly elected by the European citizens, and they usually spend their first mandate (five years) to understand how the European Union works. They live in a symbiotic, and often parasitical, relationship with their assistants.

Finally, Commissioners (minister occultus) reign over their policy feuds, supported by their powerful and loyal cabinets. They have authority until they try to exercise it: in that moment they become the scapegoat for all that happens in the EU. On top of that, no journalist is able to pronounce their names correctly.