EU narrative

Interview with the Virus

We’re here today with Dr. COVID19 Corona, one of the global celebrities of this century. How do you feel today, Dr. Corona?
A bit weak, many people respected social distancing and this is causing me troubles sleeping at night. But overall I’m still strong

Can you tell us shortly what are the reasons of your popularity?
Well, I always believed that epidemics, like wars, are the only way to improve the human species. I thrive on anything that creates confusion: divisions, extremism, ignorance. Let’s say mankind is a very fertile land for me.

Did you wash your hands? We have the right tune for it and 12 steps like the stars in the

This time you went a bit too far, don’t you think?
I was just tired of seeing all these populists talking about their solutions and never implementing them. You want to rule on uneducated people? Then close the schools! You want people to be afraid of their neighbors? Then close the friggin’ borders!

Well, your actions also created problems to the populists. They don’t look so popular anymore
They were popular because of the fears that they created: migrants, terrorists, eurocrats… But what is this compared to a global pandemic that attacks everybody? It’s only during an emergency that you recognize true leadership. I must confess I was shitting in my pants watching Merkel’s speech.

Schools and libraries closed, border checks, police in the streets, hugs or kisses with strangers forbidden, the EU Parliament empty… Covid19 successfully implemented the standard populist program

Well, that’s good to know. Do you have any mid-term objectives, besides choking everybody to death?
Well, if ECB, Dombrovskis and Gentiloni don’t stop me, I will disrupt European economy by the end of April. And from there I will weaken even more the European institutions. Their communication is often borderline suicidal and anti-EU fake news are spreading faster than me!

EU economy will be overall negatively affected by the virus. That’s why we need common measures and solidarity

You mean you don’t have any faith in people’s ability to inform themselves properly and make their choices in a rational way?
Ahahahahahaha * chokes from laughing*

ambiorix during covid lockdown
Coronavirus means good news for Brussels fauna: killer whales return to Ambiorix lake, dodos resurrect and populate the shores of the European District. “It’s amazing to be able to bird- and whale-watch between a teleconference and the other” said Ursula von der Leyen to DG MEME.

[Useless to say, we are a bit more optimistic than the virus, but we reckon that this is a difficult moment for our beloved institutions. We need leaders, we need good communicators and we need to stop making mistakes: there’s more than the member states budget at stake!]

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