The United Kingdom is debating whether to ask to rejoin the EU. It would be foolish of the EU to rush things: walk into a typical British pub or strike up a conversation in the suburbs, and you won’t have to wait long to hear that the EU is the problem, that the people were betrayed, that ”this isn’t the BrexitBrexitBrexit, a portmanteau of ”British” and ”exit”, is the withdrawal of the United Kingdom from the European Union. Following a UK-wide referendum in June 2016, in which 48% voted to remain in the EU and 52% had no idea what we voted for”, or that the NHS would be thriving if only the promised money had arrived. Curiously, ”We have no idea what the EU is or does” and ”we were conned by a gang of evil and rich clowns” rarely makes the list.

Still, a gradual rapprochement could work for both sides. In that constructive spirit, DG MEME has drawn up a few entirely reasonable conditions before we even consider letting the UK within waving distance of the single market:

  • Revoke pub privileges for Brexiteers
  • Start driving on the right
  • Make tabloid editors recite the Act of Contrition on live TV (Farage joins in kneeling on dried chickpeas)
  • Adopt the € and EU-standard sockets
  • Add Kaja Kallas to the line of succession to the British throne
  • Choose between your spelling and your pronunciation. You can’t keep both
  • Learn at least one language spoken in another EU member stateMember StateMember State (abbr. MS) is how eurocrats call a country which is part of the European Union. Clear writing guidelines recommend using EU country or EU countries instead, but some habits are hard to die.
  • Pick five objects from the British Museum and return them to their countries of origin. There, doesn’t it feel good?
  • Abandon imperial measurements. Nobody needs to know what a yard or a pound is
  • Write down your constitution and remove the medieval props from Parliament. Black Rod and the Ceremonial Mace can go in the five empty museum spaces
  • Sentence anyone who says ”This isn’t the Brexit we voted for” to a public pelting with rotten tomatoes
  • Criminalise culinary offences against Mediterranean countries, with no parole for repeat offenders
  • Add twelve stars to the Union Jack